At one time or another, everyone has discovered that being told not to do something only serves to make us want to do it even more. It is a basic part of human nature to feel a magnetic attraction toward the taboo. As someone who studies sex and relationships for a living, I frequently see this in my work: people are attracted to what they are told they cannot have.
This pattern of behaviour occurs so often that sex therapist Jack Morin gave it a formal name: the erotic equation. He describes it as a mathematical formula of sorts:
Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement
The basic idea is that if a person experiences even a slight attraction to someone or something, any obstacles to acting on that attraction will only enhance its appeal.
This equation is of particular relevance to my research because it helps to explain where many sexual fantasies and desires come from. We have all been told that there are certain things we cannot or should not do when it comes to sex (such as mixing pleasure with pain or playing with power), but instead of abiding by these social proscriptions, we tend to eroticise them in a major way.
For my book, Tell Me What You Want (2018), I spent two years conducting the largest and most comprehensive survey of sexual fantasies ever undertaken in the United States. This survey formed the basis of the book and involved 4,175 Americans from all 50 states. I tried to collect as diverse a sample as possible in terms of sexual orientation, gender, politics, religious background, race and age in order to examine what people from all walks of life fantasise about.
When I analysed the content of people’s favourite sexual fantasies, I found that across the board, sexual taboos were extraordinarily common. Not only were taboo elements present in most people’s favourite fantasies, but nearly everyone said they had fantasised about doing something taboo at least once before.
The most popular taboo of all was BDSM: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism. In other words, activities that involve themes of power, control and rough sex—for example pegging, nipple torture or being “forced” to have sex. BDSM has long been viewed as taboo in the United States, in part because American psychologists and psychiatrists historically classified sadomasochism as a mental disorder. The cultural narrative around BDSM is that it’s an unhealthy and dangerous activity. To engage in it—or to even express an interest in it—is to violate a big taboo.
BDSM is not a universal taboo, of course. The entire concept of a sexual taboo is inherently arbitrary because what is considered taboo in one time, context or culture may be considered perfectly normal in another. As a result, the taboo allure of BDSM varies across social groups, a fact that I saw play out in my data.
Through my study, I discovered that BDSM is more of a taboo for some Americans than it is for others. One difference can be found between political parties. It is well known that in Democratic circles, having a level playing field and promoting equality are popular values, whereas power differentials—especially in sexual contexts—are taboo. It is for this reason that many Democrats support policies that ban relationships between superiors and subordinates in both the workplace and in academia, with some going so far as to suggest that such relationships can never be consensual because they involve a power differential.
So, what did I find when I looked at Democrats’ sexual fantasies? I found that Democrats reported more fantasies featuring BDSM, including forced sex, than did Republicans, for whom power play is not quite so taboo. This difference makes sense considering that Republicans tend to endorse more traditional gender roles, and that those roles have inherent power differentials.
Compared to Democrats, Republicans tend to face stronger moral prohibitions against things like non-monogamy and same-sex attraction, which means that fantasising about sex with more than one partner or having gay sex would be taboo. Guess what I found when I looked at Republicans’ sexual fantasies? Compared to Democrats, Republicans reported more fantasies about all kinds of non-monogamy, including infidelity, swinging, orgies and cuckolding (a practice that involves watching your partner have sex with someone else). Also, among men who said that they were exclusively heterosexual, Republicans reported more same-sex fantasies than Democrats.
The takeaway here is that we seem to be drawn to whatever is considered taboo for us based on the social groups to which we belong. But what explains this erotic equation? Why do human beings desire what we are not supposed to want in the first place?
The answer to these questions can be explained by a psychological principle known as reactance. When our choices are limited or we perceive a threat to our freedom, it creates a state of unpleasant arousal, because we feel as though we have lost something. When faced with unpleasant arousal, we seek to resolve it. In this case, through a tendency to assert our freedom to act—to have sex—as we please. In other words, we react to restrictions by reestablishing our freedom to choose our own destiny.
This means that if you find yourself turned on by something that might be considered taboo—like forced sex—you are not alone, despite the fact that you may think this makes you a deviant person. I see in my research that the more rare and taboo people think their fantasies are, the more shame, guilt and embarrassment they feel about them. The more anxiety people feel about their sexual turn-ons, the less likely they are to communicate their wants and needs to their partners, and the more likely they are to be dissatisfied with their sex lives and relationships.
What we need to do, then, is help everyone understand that having taboo sexual fantasies and desires—whether they are about BDSM, non-monogamy, fetishes or something else—does not make one a pervert or a bad person. The truth is, if you are turned on by taboos, you are, in fact, rather normal, and maybe not quite as kinky as you think. Because it turns out that to want what you are told you can’t have is simply to be human.
This piece is published as part of a partnership between Areo and the publication Queer Majority. You can find the original source here. Visit https://www.queermajority.com.
“At one time or another, everyone has discovered that being told not to do something only serves to make us want to do it even more.” This is one of the reasons why wowsers, of whatever political persuasion, often promote the behaviours they most wish to proscribe. This extends beyond the bedroom to what we read, watch and listen to. Think of how much publicity getting a ‘parents advisory’ warning slapped onto your product got you back in the 80s. It also shows that, unless you actually have the power to restrict behaviours, acting like you do will only backfire.